After two long, arduous and often painful years of fertility treatments, struggles and loss, Jamie and I are FINALLY able to announce that we will be expecting a beautiful baby BOY this July!!! To say that we are overjoyed would be the understatement of the century. To be honest though, it’s still pretty hard to believe.
For many, this is the announcement of the worst kept secret ever and for others, you may be wondering what the heck took us so long!? As most people know, I am the worst secret keeper in the world, and this was one secret that I really struggled to keep in one on one situations. We told our family almost as soon as I peed on a stick, and then slowly it started to trickle out to the people around us, one coffee/dinner date at a time. Though we couldn’t seem to contain our big announcement in person, the task of writing about it and making it “official” seemed…well…terrifying.
I struggled with fears of suffering another loss and immense feelings of guilt. The fear of loss is just an unfortunate reality of a “rainbow pregnancy”. Having lost a pregnancy before means that the unabashed joy at the news of this new little life is harder and harder to let yourself feel. The guilt was a bit surprising though and this was the biggest driver in my hesitation to write about our news.
I felt guilty because I have created this beautiful and supportive community of women, many of whom are currently struggling on their own fertility journey. I was so consumed with the fact that we weren’t getting pregnant that I hadn’t actually contemplated how I would handle it if we did. In my world, when we were struggling, there was no good way to hear that a friend was pregnant. There were certainly things that made it easier to hear, but my heart still broke a little every time. The guilt came from knowing that no matter how or when we announced our joy, someone would hurt.
I also struggled with this guilt of knowing that no matter how hard the past two years have been, it really doesn’t compare to the struggles that some people face. We really were so lucky, as this pregnancy happened without any intervention. Despite our experiences with drugs and fertility treatments, it was the almighty “break” that brought us our babe. I live every day in a puddle of gratitude that we didn’t have to enlist more help, but my heart is with those who do and for everyone who is still walking this road.
At the end of the day though, our journey is just one of many. No two fertility journeys will look the same and that is both the pain and the beauty of this experience. Though I am moving forward into the next phase of my life, the last two years have made such an impact that they will undoubtedly shape the way I experience this pregnancy and motherhood. I hope if nothing else, the sharing of our story has started a conversation and that this conversation will continue long after today.
So it’s officially official, our Little Titty is on his way. We could not be more excited and more thankful to everyone who has shared in this experience so far. The updates will continue, the photos will be many, the blogs will abound and I cannot wait to meet this little babe who we waited so long for.
love, lust and baby dust
PS – photo cred to the amazing Diane & Mike Photography! http://dianeandmike.ca/