frustratingly vague

frustratingly vague

Well, the results are in! After enduring many tests, sitting through countless appointments, after being poked and prodded like lab rats and guinea pigs, we have a diagnosis. We have what the medical community calls…drum roll…wait for it…you ready?…UNEXPLAINED INFERTILITY. Yes, that is the technical term. Basically what that means is, we are two perfectly healthy people with highly functional…ahem…parts. Hooray, right??

testing 1, 2

I know that I should be jumping for joy and basking in the glow of relief; and while there is a part of me that certainly is, there is this other (slightly larger) part of me that’s like…really!? Well then WTF!? If everything is just dandy, then what the heck is going on?

I have entitled this blog, ”Frustratingly Vague” and really, that is a perfect way to describe this entire journey. I have enough nurses and doctors in my family and watch enough Grey’s Anatomy to know the incredible things our medical community does every day. We can literally put someone’s face onto another person’s face! And yet, they can’t tell us why we lost a baby and we are left with a diagnosis of “unexplained infertility”.

really!?

Don’t get me wrong, I am not knocking the medical community. Every single person we have encountered has been absolutely phenomenal and I truly feel that they are doing everything they can to get us our baby…it’s just frustrating and surprising that, in this day and age, they can’t tell us more.

So the big question now is, where do we go from here? The way I see it, we have two options:

  1. Keep trying
  2. Get help

As two people who have a sincere appreciation for natural healing, it is super tempting to just keep trying. We could bring back the acupuncture, keep up with the supplement regime, maybe work with a naturopath, do a little more yoga and generally just keep on keeping on. I see so many benefits to going down that road; but then again, that’s pretty much what we’ve been doing for the last year and a half.

On the other hand, we are totally open to option 2. Though modern medicine can be frustrating at times, it is also astounding and amazing and I am so thankful to live in a world where option 2 exists. When we received our vague diagnosis, our doc presented us with three options if we decide to get help:

  1. Follicle tracking and IUI (lovingly referred to as the “turkey baster method”)
  2. EIVF (brand new to Calgary, clinic isn’t even open yet)
  3. IVF (hella pricey but pretty effective)

Given the fact that things are working as they should, we pretty much ruled out options 2 and 3 for now, but option 1 is tempting.

The internal struggle that I am dealing with now is around the idea of patience. I have never been a terribly patient person, nor is my darling husband. When we get an idea in our heads, we just kind of want it…now. Quite literally one day, we looked at each other and said, “wanna have a baby?”, responded with a “yup” and a switch was flipped and we were ready. Like so ready. So I’m struggling with thoughts of being patient. Are we considering intervention and a sizeable financial investment, just because we are impatient? Then again, we have been patient…we’ve been a year and a half of patient (okay…patiently impatient ;)). So, when do you say enough is enough?

Truly though, the desire to be a mother is unlike anything I’ve ever known before. It is an all consuming desire that feels closer to an inexplicable need. It feels selfish, but it also feels completely natural and normal and I refuse to feel bad about it. I know that whatever we decide to do will be right and whenever it happens for us will be the right time. Now, we just have to decide…

lol

love, lust and baby dust,

nicole
xo

10 thoughts on “frustratingly vague

  1. Wow… First of all thank you! Thank you for sharing… Thank you for caring. I cannot imagine your heart as you long to hold your little one in your arms and to this point … You aren’t able to.
    Thank you for opening up the conversation about this journey you guys are on. I love how candid you are about this. However your sweet one arrives… It will be worth this ride.
    Love to you both!

    1. Thank you so much Beth. Over-sharing is the number one form of therapy for me…haha! And yes, I know that one day I will look back and realize that I wouldn’t have changed a thing ;). Can’t wait for that day.

  2. Nicole, you are not only a phenomenal human (and writer) but clearly a very strong individual! I have no idea what any of this feels like, but reading your words makes my heart ache for you. I have faith that this will happen for you two, because you certainly deserve it!

  3. Nicole,

    I love reading your blog, it’s so naturally honest. Keep on keeping faith my friend. I have no doubt you are going to be an unbelievable mom one day soon! Knowing that you’re both healthy is relieving, revel in it, and if that revelling leads your heart to accepting help..then follow your heart!! And never give up on what your heart wants. That feeling you describe about wanting it so much it feels selfish but isn’t…that right there is the thoughts of a mom! Xo

    1. thank you so much sweet girl…and you are so right. i can only hope that this journey shows our children how very wanted they were and how very loved they will always be. xo

  4. Thanks for sharing your story Nicole. Mine is almost identical. I made a perfectly healthy baby boy that decided to exit my womb at 16 weeks and then was just diagnosed with “UNEXPLAINED FERILITY”. What the shit right? We are coming up to the one year marker since our loss and no pregnancy since, I just don’t get it. Keep your head high and your darling husband close. Good things come to those that wait, or so they say!

    1. what the shit indeed!? honestly, that’s all i can say some days. and ya, a strong partnership is one of the number one things that will get us through this. i wish you all the luck in the world and can only hope that our patience pays off. sending you heaps of baby dust!

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